100 Funny Sayings and Quotes from Famous Stand Up Comedians

Quick Facts

Sometimes we wonder why we actually need comedy, well the fact remains that comedy and stand-up comedians funny sayings are among the things that help us cope with the difficulties of living. Of course, what is a comedy without a talented comedian? Modern Stand-up Comedy has been wedging itself into popular culture in several centuries and to this day, it has become an integral part of our modern society.

Successful stand-up comedians do more than plain slapstick humour, they open up minds, bring about social awareness inspire and change the perspectives of their audience. When these qualities come together, the outcome is exceptionally meaningful and stirring. Hence, when you come across great standup comedians like , Luis C.K, , and , you celebrate them for they play a great role in lightning up our world through humour. To further enjoy some of these hilarious sayings, here is a list of the top stand-up comedians funny sayings and quotes to lighten your mood.

Famous Stand-up comedians funny sayings and Quotes

1. “Whenever you leave behind failure, you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb.” ~ Louis C.K.

2. Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” ~ Mindy Kaling

3. You know, a lot of people think that just ’cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you’ll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were. ~ Gabriel Iglesias

4. “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” ~ Mel Brooks

5. Stand-up comedy is a sickness. Who wouldn’t want a room full of people laughing and screaming at you just because of who you are? Nothing is as good, except maybe
having a baby ~ Howie Mandel

6. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. ~ Chris Rock

7. I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a Jury ~ Groucho Marx

8. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” ~ Lily Tomlin

9. The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.” ~ Richard Pryor

10. “Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on.” ~ Amy Poehler

11. “I found a gray hair one of my testicles today. No, it wasn’t mine, but it’s frightening.”
~ Dave Attell

12. Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself.” ~ Chelsea Handler

13. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”  ~ Lewis Black

14. “Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.” ~ Bill Cosby

15. There are 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn ~ Gabriel Iglesias

16. You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full-on panic attack ~ Bill Burr

17. “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none per cent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” ~ Louis C. K.

18. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” ~ Robin Williams

19. “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.” ~ Robin Williams

20. “I don’t think you get successful to brag and throw what you have in the world’s face. That’s all private.” ~ Kevin Hart

21. “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” ~ Lucille Ball

22. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

23. “Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

24. Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet~ Robin Williams

25. “Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.”~ Danny Kaye

26. “Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld

27. Morgan Freeman is so class. He’s so cool. He’s so scary. ~ Jim Carrey

28. That’s the secret to life… replace one worry with another… ~ Charles M. Schulz

29. “The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

30. I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be ~ Robin Williams

31. It is better to risk starving to death than surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left? ~ Jim Carrey

32. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” ~ Zach Galifianakis

33. “I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.” ~ Bob Hope

34. If Heaven exists, to know that there’s laughter, that would be a great thing.” ~ Robin Williams

35. “Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi.” ~ Johnny Lever

36. “Make your life spectacular. I know I did.” ~ Robin Williams

37. “If you put your personal stories out there people always connect” ~ Gabriel Iglesias

38. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” ~ Anthony Jeselnik

39. “I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go dancing clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.” ~ Robin Williams

40. “When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments – except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I’ll let you know right now, there’s only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster – whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.” ~ Gabriel Iglesias

41. “Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

42. “Relationships nowadays = First week: I love you baby.. Second week: Together forever. Third week: Single” ~ Kevin Hart

43. “Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn’t trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.” ~ Jim Carrey

44. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld

45. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in” ~ Bill Burr

46. “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” ~ Steve Martin

48. “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.” ~ Whoopi Goldberg

49. “The only time you should look back in life, is to see how far you have come” ~ Kevin Hart

50. “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” ~ Steve Martin

51. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles Schulz

52.“My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque.” ~ Ali Wong

53. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty” ~ Chris Rock

 54. “I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.”~ Robin Williams

55. “We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.” ~ Bill Hicks

56. “The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”~ Bill Hicks

57. “Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby

58. “I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul ~ Bill Hicks” ~ Bill Hicks

59. “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.” ~ Bill Hicks

60. “Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” ~ Ali Wong

61. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

62. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s, infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options ~ Bill Hicks

63. All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul.~Robin Williams

64. “I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.” ~ Bill Hicks

65. “If a man has a Pinterest page, he’s probably Pinterested in men.” ~ Ali Wong

66. “There’s a song out now called “Ain’t Nothing Going On But The Rent.” So when a man asks a woman “Hey, baby! What’s going on?” The woman will say, “The rent, motherf***er!” ~ Eddie Murphy

67. “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.~ Bill Cosby

68. “There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can
hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they
hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.” ~ Eddie Murphy

69. “The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.” ~ Bill Cosby

70. “Yoga is Simon Says for adults who have lots a free time.” ~ Ali Wong 

71. “I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.” ~ Eddie Murphy

72. “Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.” ~ Robin Williams

73. “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture”~ Steve Martin

74. “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres,

75. “Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” ~ Bill Cosby

76. “Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.” ~ Adam Sandler

77. “Flowers are the fastest way to a woman’s heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but owers are a lot less messy.” ~ Eddie Murphy

78. “You gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden when really it’s a public park.”~ Ali Wong

79. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ~ George Carlin

80. “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” ~ Bill Cosby

81. “Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

82. “You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.” ~ Adam Sandler

83. “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

84. “I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I’ve ever dated.” ~ Mike Birbiglia

85. “Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.” ~ Bill Cosby

86. “The thing about crazy people; they don’t know they are crazy, that’s what make them crazy.” ~ Jim Jefferies

87. “I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing ‘Maria’ from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.” ~ Adam Sandler

88. “Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.” ~ Mike Birbiglia

89. “Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously”  ~ Jim Jefferies

90.  “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

91. “Confidence is 10 per cent hard work and 90 per cent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do.” ~ Tina Fey

92. “I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 per cent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him ~ Bill Burr

93. “No matter how successful I got, my mother still thinks I’m a bad person, basically.” ~ Jim Jefferies

94. “I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.” ~ Steve Martin

95. “For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.” ~ Lily Tomlin

97.  “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

78. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate neck” ~ Steve Martin

99. “Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” ~ Jane Kirkman

100. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” ~ Bill Cosby

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