100 Funny Celebrity Sayings and Quotes To Make Your Day

Quick Facts

We look up to our favorite celebrities for so many things like entertainment, fashion style, and a host of other things. But these celebrities also make some important statements about life which in turn become an inspiration to their fans. Some of these celebrity sayings and quotes are quite humorous and funny, while others are inspirational and can inspire you during your struggles. That being said, we have made a compilation of 100 hilarious celebrity sayings and quotes from your favorite Hollywood stars, business leaders, and global icons. Below are funny, quirky, and sarcastic celebrity sayings and quotes that will surely make your day. Enjoy!

Best Funny Celebrity Sayings and Quotes

1. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

2. “Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.” – Mitch Hedberg

3. “But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

4. “It’s better for the whole world to know you, even as a sex star, than never to be known at all.” ― Marilyn Monroe

5. “Why do people say Grow Some Balls? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina, those things take a pounding!” – Betty White.

6. “Honestly, if I had taken this whole career thing seriously, I would have named it something else (besides Foo Fighters), because it’s the worst F*KING band name in the world!” – Dave Grohl, founder of the rock band Foo Fighters.

7. “Run for office? No. I’ve slept with too many women, I’ve done too many drugs, and I’ve been to too many parties.” – George Clooney

8. “The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like Mad Men is disgusting. It’s a super disgusting part of our culture.” – Jonah Hill, Superbad actor.

9. “Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

10. “Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.” – Woody Allen

11. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

12. “Never follow someone else’s path; unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, then, by all means, you should follow that.” – Ellen DeGeneres

13. “Keep seeing the glass half-full and it will dawn upon you that it’s probably your turn to buy.” – Bill Murray

14. “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.” – Conan O’Brien

15. “In every circle of friends, there’s always that one everyone secretly hates. Don’t have one? Then it’s probably you.” – Will Ferrell

16. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas A. Edison

17. “Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door.” – Brooke Shields

18. “Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin

19. “Only those who play to win. Only those who risk to win. History favors risk-takers. Forgets the timid. Everything else is commentary.” – Iveta Cherneva

20. “We can’t all be stars because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.” ― Sebastian Horsley

21. “There’s nothing like privacy. You know, I like people. It’s nice that they might like my books and all that…but I’m not the book, see? I’m the guy who wrote it, but I don’t want them to come up and throw roses on me or anything. I want them to let me breathe.” ― Charles Bukowski

22. “After millions of years of evolution, we start stupid cults of celebrity and feed the egos of maniacs until they take our money, fuck us in the arse, and then cut our throats. We should be cutting their throats!” ― Adam Nevill, Last Days

23. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

24. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston S. Churchill

25. “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

Hilarious Celebrity Sayings and Quotes

26. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

27. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

28. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

29. “I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

30. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

31. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

32. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright

33. “In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.” – Aparna Nancherla

34. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

35. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

36. “In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett

37. “I’m thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, why stop at one? I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.” – Robert Downey Jr.

38. “I am not the archetypal leading man. This is mainly for one reason: as you may have noticed, I have no hair.” – Patrick Stewart

39. “If there’s anything unsettling to the stomach, it’s watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.” – Marlon Brando

40. “The best activities for your health are pumping and humping.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

41. “I never leave my house. Then I don’t have to put a bra on, and I don’t have to change my pants.” Jennifer Lawrence

42. “I like women. I don’t understand them, but I like them.” Sean Connery

43. “After millions of years of evolution, we start stupid cults of celebrity and feed the egos of maniacs until they take our money, fuck us in the arse, and then cut our throats. We should be cutting their throats!” ― Adam Nevill

44. “I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the Red Rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

45. “We don’t have unsung heroes anymore. Every hero has sung a song in some film.” – Shirish Kunder

46. “It’s okay to have beliefs, just don’t believe in them.” – Guy Ritchie

47. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” – Albert Einstein

48. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

49. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

50. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

Funniest Celebrity Sayings and Quotes

51. “Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not 20.” – Barack Obama

52. “I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, so I could drink more and care less.” – Tina Fey

53. “The most beautiful makeup for a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.” – Yves St. Laurent

54. “Not only is life a bitch, but it also has puppies.” – Adrienne Gusoff

55. “You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow. “ – Jack Black

56. “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

57. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Al Pacino

58. “Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.” – Jessica Simpson

59. “This (Oscar statue) is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.” – Melissa Etheridge

60. “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

61. “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” – Britney Spears

62. “I didn’t have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends.” – Pete Sampras

63. “I hate when people say ‘Nice to meet you’ before I’ve even said anything. How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m an asshole.” – Jack Nicholson

64. “What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?” – Paris Hilton

65. “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?“ – Bette Midler

66. “I learned this from a college graduate. She’d smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning, and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this five times, and I swear to God, I’ve never made less than a 92.” – Lil Wayne

67. “If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I’d turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.” – Kid Rock

68. “If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.” – Jaden Smith

69. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carrey

70. “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” – Axl Rose

71. “I am truly not one to give advice. I’m divorced and I stole my best friend’s husband.” – Denise Richards

72. “Let’s face it: The teeth are getting more and more British every day. I look in the mirror and see Austin Powers staring at me.” – Hugh Grant

73. “Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.” – Brad Pitt

74. “I am not a demon, I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the Accordion.” – Nicolas Cage.

75. “Well, a bear can juggle and stand on a ball and he’s talented, but he’s not famous.” – Kim Kardashian

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More Funny Celebrity Sayings and Quotes

76. “The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.” – Milton Berle

77. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

78. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright

79. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield

80. “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” – Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

81. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg

82. “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.” – Ann Landers

83. “Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

84. “I am not the boss of my house, I don’t know how I lost it. I don’t know when I lost, I don’t think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’ job and I don’t want it.” – Bill Cosby

85. “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

86. “You can any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” – Dave Barry

87. “Kids. They are not easy but there has to be some penalty for sex.” – Bill Maher

88. “So you know, cats are interesting. They are kind of girls. If they come and talk to you, it’s great. But if you try to talk to them it doesn’t always go so well.” – Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo

89. “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” – Stephen Colbert

90. “I’m surrounded by friends and family who are not that impressed by celebrity. They don’t have any problem telling me I’m acting like an idiot or I’m not that funny.” – Paloma Faith

91. “You pray for rain, you are going to deal with the mud too. That’s a part of it.” – Denzel Washington

92. “I think this whole celebrity world is weird anyway. Weird and funny are kind of pathetic and yet so right for parody.” – Ben Stiller

93. “When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers, I kind of wanted to be a vampire.” – Angelina Jolie

94. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen

95. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

96. “I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” – Jack Benny

97. “Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” – James A. Garfield

98. “There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

99. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

100. “No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” – Edgar Watson Howe

Also Read: Top 10 Richest People in the world with full biography and details.